By Erin H., BCBA
I am so passionate about helping families discover the tiny changes that can make a HUGE difference in the day-to-day struggles of raising kids. As a BCBA, and as a mom of two myself, I use these strategies every day. These small shifts in the way we communicate help set us up for success. Give yourself a month of consistently using these strategies and you may be surprised at how much easier daily routines start to feel.
One of the simplest and most effective tools you can use is a timer. You probably hear this a lot in ABA, but audible timers truly make a giant difference when it comes to transitions. Whether it is getting out the door, ending screen time, or moving from playtime to bedtime, timers help take some of the emotion out of the transition. Suddenly, you are not the one ending the fun. The timer is. Kids often respond better when there is a neutral signal letting them know it is time to move on. It creates predictability and gives them time to mentally prepare for what comes next. If something needs to end in five minutes, set an Alexa timer for five minutes and let your child hear it. You can even give reminders along the way like, “Two more minutes,” or “One more minute.” It sounds simple, but this one strategy can completely change the mood of transitions in your home.
Another powerful strategy is giving choices whenever possible. Need your child to get dressed? Put shoes on? Stop arguing in the grocery store? Give them choices. When we give choices, we are building cooperation directly into the conversation. Your child still feels a sense of control while you are still guiding the outcome. Instead of saying, “Put your shoes on,” try asking, “Are you wearing the blue shoes or the red shoes today?” Instead of, “You need a jacket,” try, “It’s cold today. Do you want your sweater or your coat?” The goal is not to let kids run the show. The goal is to make expectations feel more collaborative instead of demanding. Small changes in wording can prevent power struggles before they even start.
My personal favorite strategy is learning to stop saying “no” so quickly. When your child asks for cookies, soda, outside time, or something they cannot have right now, try shifting your response. Instead of answering the question “Can I have it?” with “No,” answer the question “When can I have it?” Instead of saying, “No, you cannot have soda,” try, “Yes, after dinner.” Instead of, “No, we cannot go outside because it is raining,” try, “Yes, when the weather gets nicer.” You are still holding the boundary and the answer has not actually changed, but the conversation feels completely different. Children hear possibility instead of rejection, and that alone can significantly reduce frustration and pushback.
All three of these strategies are rooted in the ABA principles of antecedent strategies. In simple terms, antecedent strategies are things we do before challenging behaviors happen in order to make success more likely. Instead of constantly reacting to meltdowns, refusals, or arguments, we can make small environmental and communication changes that prevent many of those struggles from happening in the first place. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to reduce the daily struggles and create more successful, positive interactions for the whole family.